I Don't Want to Move Forward, but I Can't Stay Stagnant Forever.
Recently I said to my mom that I don’t want to feel better or be better for myself right now. I don’t want Nonny to have to have passed away for positive change to occur. I’ve been sitting in sadness for weeks not wanting to process these last few months or move forward with my life in any real way.
Although I don’t feel like doing anything “forward moving,” I also have realized I can’t stay stagnant forever. Nonny’s death can’t be in vain on my part. She’s changed the lives of so many and has been such an integral and major part of mine. How can I not let every part of who she was make me better? Those two opposite thoughts have put me at a mental and physical standstill for the past few weeks.
But because I have such a wise mom, when I called her emotionally drained and teary eyed, she said in her soft voice. “Either way, change was going to happen. If Nonny lived and none of this ever happened you would have still changed for the better because you wouldn’t have allowed yourself at any point to not continuously be better. ”
After the past few weeks of laying in a dim house while kids were at school and doing my best to not mentally move from sadness, frustration, and anger I realize my mom was right. (She is right 99.9% of the time and it’s really annoying, by the way.) Change was always going to happen. It’s a choice for me to allow positive change to occur from the sadness and hurt instead of negative change. Having a close up, experiential view of Nonny leaving legacy is a great privilege. So I’m *slowly* crawling out of my anti-social hole to continue establishing legacy for my own family, like she so graciously taught through her own actions.
Nonny and I had a special relationship. Poppy called us “Mutt and Jeff.” She was my 2nd mom, my friend, my shopping companion, my confidant, and so many other things. She’s still all of those things because I had her for 28 years. I’ll carry all of those things with me, all the time. And, if I’m lucky I’ll give Ellie all the things she gave my mom and Ellie’s daughter, all the things she gave me.
